Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
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I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Oops I deleted….
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?