“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
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Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving