My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
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Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Sticker placement is key.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
what could possibly go wrong?
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all