i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
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If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
How do you like your Corgi?