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The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
and now we wait
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
The government even made aliens boring
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.