When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
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If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Me trying to reach for my goals
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days