Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
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In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car