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“We will wed,” I threatened
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
when the buffet is more honest than your date
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.