I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
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I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.