“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
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TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays