Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
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I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Hey I worked for it too!