Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
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Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I bet
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*