drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
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Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.