Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
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How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Most fashion shows these days…
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.