I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
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[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Not😆🤣
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling