I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
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ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.