Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
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i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
This forever.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
shampoo implies shampee
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Is your wife single?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.