Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
You Might Also Like
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Broom by every window for quick escape.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
work smarter, not harder
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.