FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
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Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
the official breakfast of 2021
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a