walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
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18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.