♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
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Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions