Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
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When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
#CoronaOutbreak
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.