I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
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But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?