Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
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What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Hot Hot Hot
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”