My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
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A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn鈥檛 oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
What鈥檚 Biden鈥檚 plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they鈥檙e carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I鈥檝e hid both their bodies
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don鈥檛 try to weigh you.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 馃彙
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
We鈥檇 never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.