[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
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My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
That was easy.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.