Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
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RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Banking tips
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.