evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
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Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha