I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
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[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.