Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
You Might Also Like
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.