I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
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Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.