twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
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Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I’d love this…lol
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.