I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
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Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!