I can’t deal with men any longer
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You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom