Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
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Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.