Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
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adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
A choir of Spring onions
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house