Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
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Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
choose your gary
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
i spent way too long on this
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.