Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
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everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
#TopTip
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
No Google it does not
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭