I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
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[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.