my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
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Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Stop.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.