My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
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Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Breaking news:
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date