subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
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Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
“i miss shittin on people”
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.