CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
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Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
😆this is so true
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”