stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
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PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Donkey Kong sommelier
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*