I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
You Might Also Like
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*