Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
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When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Never let them know your next move 😂
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.