You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
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A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
These aliens are taking forever.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Beware of fowl play.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.