[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
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My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
It’s an epidemic…
what the hell pray for carter everyone
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.