The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
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I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you