Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
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Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Good advice.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Möther may I have a snäck
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”